stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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