This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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