I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
