Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
