i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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