There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
