how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
