When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I supernannyed him into submission
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
