I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i think im in europe. pls send help
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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