Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
