If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
