so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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