I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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