I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
