i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
