Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
