The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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