Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
