Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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