and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
