the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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