theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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