Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
