Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
