I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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