I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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