Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
