I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
