and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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