She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
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Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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