3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
