I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i think i have two assholes
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
