apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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