my sisters under your porch take her home
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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