end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
