apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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