You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
