apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.