She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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