if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
