Are we in a gay sports bar?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
