just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
