never play flip cup with pint glasses
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
