the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
