I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
