every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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