There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
