Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
