What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
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Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
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All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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