I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
