if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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