Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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