drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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