I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize